I started wearing the hijab shortly after I got married. I followed most of the Islamic teachings pretty well up to that point also. I didn’t eat pork, drink, performed all of my prayers regularly, etc. 

Putting on the hijab when I was close to 30 was late by most Muslim standards, and I had felt the pressure since a very early age, but I never felt comfortable commiting to it until after marriage. Maybe because I thought I didn’t need my beauty to snag a man anymore, I don’t know! Or maybe I had run out of reasons not to. I do remember having a conversation with myself that I felt that God would be more pleased with me if I wore it, so I began wearing it. 

It was excruciating for me. I did not feel comfortable in it, and I was extremely self-conscious. It wasn’t even that others were looking at me funny or anything. By this time, I had already moved to Atlanta from Murfreesboro, TN so it was much more common to see hijabi women around. I did not have any weird looks or face any new discrimination.

But I felt uncomfortable wearing it. I couldn’t find the right style for me. Loosely draped the way many Indians & Pakistanis wear it was ok, but it was always falling & I was always figeting with it.  I briefly tried pinning it and wearing it but that didn’t seem to work for me. I finally settled on tying it on in a tight bun like many Africans do, and that seemed to at least keep it from falling all of the time. I wore it like that for a few years and then went back to draping because I was getting regular headaches and I attributed them to the hijab being tied tightly. Unfortunately, the headaches continued even after I started wearing it loosely again. 

Another aspect of dress that comes along with the hijab is modest clothing. That means being pretty much covered from head to toe in a loose garment. So it was odd to wear a T-shirt with a hijab, because you’re showing skin while covering your hair out of modesty, it was weird. But I didn’t feel like wearing a T-shirt was immodest, so most of the time I was torn about what I was wearing, and I was always in my head about what was appropriate or acceptable. And being a new bride, I still wanted to feel attractive for my husband. So many conflicting goals and emotions…most of the time I was just miserable about the whole thing.

I couldn’t understand why I, someone who was doing my best to obey God’s commands, would never get to feel the breeze through my hair on a nice day. Why was I unable to enjoy God’s creations, like the ocean or the beach, unless I was fully clothed? Am I not able to lay on the sand and soak up the vitamin D 😉 ?  Why do the “nonbelievers” get to enjoy all of God’s creations, when I deprive myself so that maybe one day I will get God’s pleasure if I get to go to Heaven? 

It was so confusing to me and felt so unjust. If this life is really all just a trial to see how many things you can sacrifice, then why wish for a long life? When you know it will all be filled with unfufilled wishes and desires? Why suffer through the torment of that year after year?

The anxiety around my hijab was getting so bad that I just hated it and myself more and more. I prayed and begged to God to help me feel comfortable in the hijab. I just couldn’t have the turmoil anymore.  

I remember one day in particular I had a new accounting client I was to meet. I didn’t feel good about wearing my hijab. It’s hard to explain, but I felt like if I met someone new while wearing my hijab, then I was only cementing this feeling of being someone I wasn’t to more people, thus being a liar to more people, and a hypocrite to myself. I always wanted to shrink and not be seen while I was wearing the hijab because it was an outward expression of me not being who I was. 

So as I was praying, head to my janamaaz or prayer rug, I was fully begging God to help me. I told Him that I couldn’t feel this way any more. I asked Him to please help me feel comfortable in the hijab or to otherwise end this turmoil.

What I experienced right after that floored and forever changed me.

I imagined that I had died and gone to Heaven where I met God. He lovingly welcomed me and said, “I see everything that you have done to gain my pleasure.  You didn’t eat pork, you didn’t drink, you said all of your prayers, you wore your hijab, all to gain my love. I do appreciate that you did all of this for me, but even if you hadn’t done any of these things, I would have loved you anyways.”

I was relieved and confused at the same time.  It was nice to feel that unconditional love, and I wanted to believe in it. I was finding it hard to believe that everything I had been believing for all of my life, all of the sacrifices I was making, were all for nothing…? Had I caused myself uneccesary grief over all of these years?

I wanted to say yes, but I was scared. It was so ingrained in me that everything we wanted was a test to see if we’d pass or be punished, I was afraid to try out this new revelation. But at the same time I needed to try out this new persepective. The experience I had was unlike any other I had had. Maybe I was finally able to hear the message clearly. Maybe I asked from the point of really wanting to know, and not from thinking I already knew the answer. Maybe I asked and listening from my heart.  Whatever it was, I knew it was time to try a new way. 

So I decided that day that I would go out without wearing my hijab. I distinctly remember this conversation in my head:

“What if this was just a test and God punishes you for not wearing it? What if you get into a car accident on your way to see your client and you never see your kids again?”

It was the scariest thing, but I knew that I had to try. I owed it to myself to find out which truth was my truth. The voice of fear was extremely loud and compelling, but the feeling of unconditional love was undeniably strong. 

I decided that I couldn’t go on living a lie, so if that meant that I had to die and never see my kids again, it was better than living a lie.  I was no good to them or anyone if I couldn’t follow what I felt I was being guided to do. And what I was being guided to do was to go towards what felt good, and drop anything that didn’t feel good. Following my desires no matter how little or trivial they may seem. That instant planted a seed that grew into a forest of new experiences and beliefs.

I went to my new client, hijabless and vibrant. I returned home to see my kids that evening.

I did not die.

Iffath